The Sunday Setup: When The Setback Expert Has A Setback

And how it felt when I didn't get that second book deal

I often talk about the work I do to help others through their setbacks. It’s time for me to share a big one of my own.

Getting the second book deal has been a struggle.

When I tell people this they yell, “but how?! You hit the USA TODAY bestseller list multiple times! You gave a viral TEDx talk that they can’t stop sharing!”

I prepared myself for rejection. My agent told me the market is really hard right now. She warned me that non fiction is getting hit the hardest, there have been tons of publishing industry layoffs and budgets are tightening everywhere (just like every other industry right now.) I was prepared!

Or so I told myself. Because what happened when the first editor said she read the proposal and wanted to set up a meeting, I couldn’t help but feel that fire in my belly, that spark of hope that whispered, “Wait, this might actually happen again.”

The level of joy I felt when I walked into that first Barnes & Noble and saw it on the shelf

When the second editor said they wanted to set up a meeting, I thought, “this seems like a real possibility!”

So I replaced rejection-prepping with hope. I opened the window just a crack. Every new meeting, I opened it a little further. Soon the sunlight was pouring through and I was convinced this was happening.

I’ve now sat through several meetings with editors who think the book idea is amazing. One called me a female James Clear. My ego ballooned that day.

Naturally, that’s where it all fell apart.

Over and over again, I get to the second round. A developmental or acquiring editor is excited to champion my idea. And then it’s time to present that idea in their next meetings to sales, marketing and more.

One by one, the higher ups say no numbers, no deal. Her platform is too small. (They said this the first time too. And we know how that turned out.)

Still, I can’t help but feel the sting of rejection. I opened that damn window and let hope in. Now I’m struggling to shut it.

Numbers are so annoying. Are yours ever what you want them to be? The salary, the scale, the minutes until the next train. Does anyone know a person who’s happy with their numbers?

For publishing houses, mine aren’t good enough. But when I look at them, I think they’re incredible. I am proud that 2,700 of you are here. I am even prouder of the 50% open rate: you only get that with a small, deeply engaged community.

Still. When my value as a writer gets challenged, things start to unravel. Am I still a writer if I can’t get a second book deal? Does anyone care about real writers anymore, or are we all just going to read books written by AI and published by TikTok influencers?

That’s the thing about setbacks, they challenge your entire identity. My inner critic Raz was screaming some version of: If I can’t get another book deal, what does that say about me as a writer?

Instead of letting this thought spiral depress me (though it certainly did for a bit), last month I made a big decision:

That I would just go back to writing because I enjoy writing.

That I would enjoy the beauty of sitting in my favorite spots, the cozy chair in the corner of my living room, a picnic table in the back of the grove at the park, my in-laws’ dining room table looking out over their lush backyard) and letting the words flow out of me.

I want to enjoy writing the way I used to before I tried to sell my words for an arbitrary number. Before I began questioning the value of my craft.

Just to do the thing that has always been mine.

I write this because I want you to know that even the setback expert has setbacks. That even the USA TODAY bestselling author isn’t guaranteed a second deal. That the person who looks like she’s killing it on social media is still out here white-knuckling it through her own hard moments.

Success is not linear. One win doesn’t make the next one easier.

But we go from setbacks to setups. Always.

It’s been an incredible year: the salons, the rooms full of people talking about their next chapters, this space here on Substack. My incredible clients, the coaching piece of my business that has absolutely exploded these past few months. Despite the setbacks there is still abundance for which I am so grateful.

Is there a number you’re struggling to move past? The salary, the scale, the follower count, the items on your to-do list.

How can you reframe those metrics, or scrap them entirely, in favor of something more true to who you actually are?

That number doesn’t dictate your identity or make your decisions. You do.

Meanwhile, I want to thank you for being here. For making me believe my words are worth reading.

To me, you are so much more than just a number.

In the meantime here’s what I’m:

This Elle article about Ann Patchett writing kindness into her characters. I had to skip a few paragraphs because I didn’t want to read some of the details of the plot of her forthcoming novel, Whistler, which I will devour as soon as I can, but I was able to skip those without too many spoilers.

My favorite line was: “Anger, rage, disgust, they’re low-hanging fruit. But to take a minute and say something good - and to see the good thing that is there - takes more effort.”

Some people say I’m too optimistic, almost naively, and now when I hear this, I will respond with my new favorite Ann Patchett quote.

This piece by one of my favorite profile writers, Taffy Brodesser-Akner about Tilly Norwood, the controversial AI actress. Especially this excerpt where she explains why interviewing Tilly made her feel empty and tired afterwards:

“When people see something that touches them, they want to understand where it came from. They want to know who exactly it was that recognized their human wounds, who recognized them and made them feel less alone. That is what great art inspires in people.

That is why I wrote all these profiles, why people even read them. To understand the person who made the art, which is just as essential as the art itself. There’s an entire conversation about separating the art from the artist, but maybe the conversation persists because we know we can’t do it. The art is the person.”

This hot take that claims no one cares about credentials anymore. I wholeheartedly disagree with this and I will say that decision makers at companies are broadly millennials and Gen Xers still, and those people still care about your credentials moreso than your ability to go viral. At least for now.

Those of you who have attended one of my From Setbacks to Setups salons, and those of you who reached out about hosting your own! I’m delighted by how this series has taken off.

Last week we gathered in my incredible friend Gwen Whiting’s living room and this Tuesday, I’ll be hosting one at The Glass Ceiling Nomad. There are three spots left if you want to join! This is for Luminary members, but if you aren’t a member (yet!) please reach out to me directly and I will try to secure a spot for you.

Today’s spotlight is on Lauren Frazer, a middle school physical education teacher, real estate agent, former Patriots cheerleader, CrossFit enthusiast and mother of two who recently pivoted to podcast host and life coach. She is also my first cousin!

I only get to see Lauren once or twice a year when she comes to NYC, and this weekend was one of them. As a Broadway enthusiast, she encourages me to go to more shows when she visits. And I’m always happy to host her so we can have bonus cousin time while she’s in town. In doing these visits over the past few years, we’ve become closer, as have our kids, which is adorable.

So thanks Lauren for letting me feature you today - and everyone follow her on Instagram as she documents her pivot into her next chapter.

Here’s how she sets up her week:

1. What’s one daily or weekly routine that helps you to manage your time?

Meal prep! I spend about 2 hours in the kitchen every Sunday organizing for the week which takes the stress out of mealtimes.

2. What’s one small thing you do that restores you, gives you energy or carves out a small break in your busy week?

Adult Dance classes. Gathering with a group of hard working women to learn a fun routine takes me away from any stress I might have felt that day/week.

3. What’s one thing you’ve learned to say “no” to in order to protect your time?

Too many extra social commitments, especially during the work/school week.

4. What’s a habit you’ve recently dropped or added that made a noticeable difference?

Lately I swear by my pre/probiotic drink. It’s delicious and I am less bloated.

5. If you had one extra hour every week just for yourself, how would you use it?

I would listen to great music and crochet.

Until next time,

Amy

Know one person who could use a stronger setup to their Sunday? Pass me along to them.